My grandmother is an anal butt slut and she wants to go to Fest this year with me. I don't know though, cuz she is always embarrassing me.

The other night she was drunk again - we found her on the floor with her skirt around her ears, panties spinning around on the ceiling fan, and a trail of anal beads leading to the van full of sleeping construction workers in the driveway. Another typical Tuesday night at Chez Hoff.

As I attempted to clean her up and put her to bed she said, "listen you little faggot! I can make my ass sound just like Chewbacca." Then she ripped out a roar like "roooooohhhhhrr" and it sounded exactly like Chewy. Then she said, "I aint finished yet, turd burglar. I can queef my pussy just like R2D2." She hiked up her skirt, squinted her eyes, held her breath and farted out a squeak just like R2 from that wrinkly old snatch. I couldn't believe my ears.

Apparently she thought her tube of Dentucreme was K-Y Jelly. So instead of getting lubed up for the van full of construction workers, she actually applied denture adhesive. Next thing you know, there are all kinds of household objects stuck to her old, smelly snatch - socks, lint, shag carpet, her prescription for medicated Ben Gay and a deflated balloon.

Then she said, "next, I am going to grunt out a turd that looks just like Dick Cheney." Sure enough, she belted out a 10-incher with that textbook Cheney grimace.

Then she slapped it in my face and said I was a "no good traitor" for not giving the vice presidential turd the proper respect.

She is one talented (and patriotic) lady.

I just don't know if I want her embarrassing me in front of all the cool kids at the Fest. What do you think?

Sounds like she would be the life of the party.

I think your grandma sounds pretty punk rock!