I don't know about the rest of you but that was the gnarliest fucking weekend of my life. Given that I been on the road for 5 months and just finished what shall be known as The Trifecta: Boston Couch Crash, New York, and Philly (and some places in between). The trifect involved lots of insanity combined with lots of sex (7 different girls in 2 weeks), but somehow The Fest topped this in my mind. Not that I fucked anyone at The Fest, but the number for stories exceed 25. I will try to summarize the best of these.

1. Brought a 8 week old puppy up from Tampa to Gainesville and was paid $40 to do so.
2. Did not wait in line for a wrist band, instead I bought a PBR from the lobby, went up the stairs and found a parshed looking fellow and annouced to him and his friends, "Dude, I brought you a beer." We stared into on another's eyes, he smiled and bromance ensued.
3. I traded my knowledge of awesome line cutting and still holding good karma for a cigarette. Then I traded a condom for another cigarette, so far so good.
4. I grabbed 3 more beer from the lobby and put them in the merch bag/man purse.
5. A group of people and I saw a group of 3 punk Japanese girls walking alone. Rare! I had to talk to them. I went up to them and they laugh uncontrollably at my wit. I see them again throughout the Fest
6. A girl who I met with the puppy is waiting near the front of the line at The
Venue/Theater, looks like I won't be bribing anyone to see Small Brown Bike.
7. We discuss the prospect of me drinking a beer on the street and possibly getting
arrested. I find a solution (I always do), someone left their soda cup on the ground w/ lid and straw. Filled that up. Problem solved. Finished it outside the theater, they did not check my bag for the other PBRs.
8. In the venue I meet a hot bartender who will be known as Jessy for anonymity sake. I tell her in a sincere way that I think so is gorgeous and she reminds me of the girls I like to date. We keep talking. I promise to see her again.

Pee-escapades: I did not wait in line to pee at the bathrooms. Those lines were long and precious time was wasted by those that did wait in line. Instead I peed in used cups in the middle of the venues. This works by unzipping your pants, putting your dick in, and then with the free hand articulating yourself in a conversation. This was especially easy at the theater because of you could go to the top and pretend like you were watching the show, which you were, only multitasking. And you could make friends at the same time. It was great. Then I would carefully bring my urine cup back to the bathroom and pour it in the sink, warning everyone as I walked by "Hot urine, coming through!" Eventually I realized that I could just walk to the sink area and find a spare cup in there and use that in the bathroom. I did this anytime there was a hint of a line.

9. My buddy Kyle finally makes it to Gainesville and 8 seconds for the Polar Bear Club set. Usually I do not listen to PBC on my own but that was an awesome show. I should mention we mosh and crowd surf at every possible opportunity. Fuck standing around watching from afar.
10. I dyed a bright red a streak in a guys hair. Later at the Fest he tells me he hates me with a smile on his face, that he's got to go to work, and he works at a bank. And that all his friends said it sucked. I thought it was awesome.
11. Soon after my roommates inform me that puppy girl (the one I joined in line at The Venue) is not allowed to stay. I tell her she can sleep in my truck which is equipped with a shell and very comfortable mattress. We sleep in the truck, nothing happens nor do I try to make anything happen. She wasn't very cute.
11. Saturday begins, this was the night of the Dillinger Four show so of course shit got way out of hand.
12. While crowd surfing to Dillinger Four someone's finger touches my eye just right and I loose a contact lens. I decided to go back to my truck to find a spare. On the way there I am screaming about how I only have one eye. Some guy informs me that so does he. I turn to look and that guy literally only had one eye and then proceeded to pull his glass eye out of his pocket to show me. I feel like a dick. I get to my car realize I have no keys...lost. I ponder what to do and find the solution, I bread into my car through the screen on the shell, open the tailgate, climb in the back, stick my arm through the center window to open the driver door. I'm in. I find my spare keys. I look for the spare, no spare. I do not have the energy to walk back to venues, I had been moshing off and on since Off With Their Headed and I was beat after D4.
13. I text Kyle and tell him what happened and where I am. I fall asleep. He comes into the room after the Against Me! show and tells me that I'm a pussy and that he's gonna punch me in the stomach if I don't get up. Kyle is right. I tell him I will punch myself in the stomach if I don't get up.
14. I wake up and go into the hallway (level 3) where everyone is still drinking. I trade a beer for a slice of cheeseless pizza. I assume he was vegan. Meanwhile Kyle is trying to bet some Aussies he can kick down their door for $200. Kyle is being a drunk asshole I admit to them. But he makes it up the next day by hooking them up with some good beer.
15. Kyle's mood immediately changes when he meets the pretty blonde, Kari. The entire group goes down stairs to hear live acoustic near the front door of the lobby. We meet Kari's friend Josh, an awesome guy. I am hammered, Kyle is hammered, nearly everyone down there is hammered. Kyle gets a little too drunk but I got his back, he heads up stairs and I get Kari's number. I'm an awesome wing. People keep giving me free beer. I run into Sam who I'd met in Minneapolis on 4th of July for the D4 show. Then I see Dom from a bar I frequent in Walnut Creek, Ca. That was the happiest I'd ever seen Dom.
16. After the music ends, I get up on the ledge of the planter and proceed to free style rap for the few people left.
17. I go upstair and realize this night is not over Josh and other's are rallying the troops. We begin to crowd surf in the hallways, the elevators, and other people's rooms. As we are not satisfied with terrorizing level 3, we terrorize all other levels, chanting "level 3" "level 4" etc. Eventually security shuts us down.
18. Sunday: The kids in the room next door invite me to watch The Saints game at Beef O' Brady's downstairs. I don't care about sportsball but I was pretty hungry. I tell the 2 girls in their group that I am having sex with both of them later at the same time. I am ridiculous. They get the humor. Cutest bartender was working there named Brittany. I ask Brittany to marry me, she agrees, I announce to everyone Brittany and I are getting married. I put the engagement ring around her finger, a paper ring used to wrap the silverware and napkin in a roll. I say some other shit. She tells me I'm funny. I agree. I close my check. After I sign, I lean over to her and whisper in her ear. Write your number down on my receipt. She claims she has a boyfriend. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't but the bartender the next day confirms she really does.
19. Kyle and I make it to Chuck Reagan and the ship Thieve and we are beat up as fuck. I have probably 20 bruises, one contact lens, and a leg I can barely walk on. Kyle's hung over too, bruised up, and were not drinking at all. During Cheap Girls some drunk girl tries to take my arm rest on the railing near the front. I do not stand for this but I let her lean on me. Soon I give her a shoulder massage. Her friend see this and begins the greatest cock block of all cock blocks. It does not end in my favor.
20. We go over to The Atlantic to meet up with pretty blonde Kari (who was very smart as well) for Pianos Become Teeth, as I expected the line was long as fuck. Kari and her dude friend are at the end. I tell everyone I'm gonna pull a scam. All I have is a $20 and I find a way to break it. I collect money from our group of 4. I walk up to the front of the Atlantic line and approach a guy with "Dude, there you are here is the money I owe you." He informs me that he has been standing at the front like that for around 40 minutes. And although he would like to be $5 richer he's not gonna be a dick and take my money considering the line is not going anywhere. I get distracted from a pretty girl in glasses named Katie with her friend Liz Taylor (really) and another Kyle and eventually my Kyle comes over and tells me Kari wants her money back. Agreed.
21. We go to The Venue, no line there we inform our most recent contacts. Kyle and I are still sober, game on 2 very pretty Canadian girls from Vancouver, probably the cutest of the trip. Atlas, we did not have the energy to go up to the front with them when the Flatliners came on and I was bumming I spaced on The Dopamines.
22. Eventually we start drinking and smoking and the night starts, I'm peeing in cups right and left. I see pretty bartender Jessy and decide I must talk with her. I go to pay for a beer and she gives it to me for free. I tell her she is awesome and want to hang out. She agrees. I ask her to write her number down "Jessy (last name), her number, you rock, call me <3" Wow! My happiness accelerates, I am in full awesome mode. We see the rest of the bands all of them killed it, I wish I had saved more energy for this.
23. Back to the Holiday Inn, we get our passes for the secret show. There is a line. No problem we got Mason the Beer Camel aka neighbor with a backpack full of beer and my ability to approach anyone. We go to the front. Fuck capacity, we aren't missing a thing.
24. They are giving away free pizza, I grab an entire box and bring it over to our group.
25. I come back from the bathroom and there is a fucking pinata! I grab the plastic red bat out of some girls hands and wail on that shit like I'm Good Will Hunting's father. Eventually the bouncer thinks he's had enough of my antics and takes the bat away.The bat was not powerful enough to rip open the pinata so they rip it open by hand.
25. The replacements cover band plays, they are not that awesome. I start making out with some girl named Aredia in the small pit. I convince her its a good idea to also kiss Mason the Beer Camel, Kyle comes over and she kisses him to. Nice work, Rob. I find Aredia is a massage therapist, good I am sore as fuck. I promise her no less than 1 hour of cunniligus in exchange for a morning massage in the most romantic way possible.
26. Comadre covers At the Drive-In. It gets out of control and the bouncer starts choking some kid out, hilarious. The kid was being in idiot and nearly knocked over the equipment, things get fairly under control as much as possible with a bunch of Fest kids. I lose Aredia completely
27. I am walking up the stair to go back to Level 3 and I see a tin of Altoids on a step and am excited about free breathe mints.
28. I somehow find Aredia again and tell her the party is in our room. I get there and everyone is gone, um perfect. She doesn't entirely thinks so. This is my first hint. Regardless everyone is walking down the hall so she stays. I push her out into the hall, lift her up and push her against the wall and we attempt to suck the life out of each others mouths and necks Eventually we are on the ground and she takes the dominant roll, we reverse, meanwhile stragglers are walking around us. Eventually she decides it's gone too far and we wave goodbye.
29. I learn there is a dance party still occurring in the ballroom. I go down and it was mostly dudes with no shirts on, let the gayness ensue. Aredia is down there too, I attempt to continue are romance, she is apprehensive. Okay I'll try the jealousy card. I dance with every girl in sight, it doesn't really help. Whatever, I'm enjoying myself. One dude looked pissed after I twirled a girl around. GF? Whatever, there was crowd surfing at the dance party as well. Yeah...to 80s dance music. Only at the Fest. I crowd surf my way towards the back and who do I find but the 3 shy Japanese girls standing on the side lines. I tackle all the 3 to the ground. The look on their faces were priceless, a look of terror combined with smiles and laughter.
30. We go back to Level 3, everyone is in the hallway. Guys with shirts off and only a couple girls. So of course the envitable happened. Some dude took off his pants and was now sitting completely nude directly across from me. His dick staring me down. I fucking lose it laughing at the situation and crying in Aredia's lap.
31. A guy sitting across from me tells me that I was annoying some people. Thanks Reporter Dave, I'm drunk as fuck. I didn't hurt or break anyone or thing. If anything I should win a prize for my behavior. I kiss Aredia goodnight and go to bed.
32. Kyle and I check out, our really lame roommate we found on the board checked out at like 2am. He sucked. Our other roommate was cool though. We are smoking a ciggarette downstair and I remember about the Altoids I found the night before. I open it up and do not find Altoids. Instead I find a lighter, a sneak-a-toke, and really dank chronic. Not turning that into lost and found.
33. Kyle and I are bombed out and depleted. Before I drive him to the airport, 3 train hopping vagabons drop by the car and ask if I have any weed. I have no plans for carrying it around with me so I give it to them. Perfect.

I ended up with nearly 50 bruises, most of them small but a couple impressive ones. Limping, missing contact lens, etc. Best time ever though, doing it again next year, if there is a next year. Will attempt to top this.

I find myself couchsurfing in Gainesville until tomorrow. If anyone in Gainesville reads this and wants to hang out before I go text me up 925-956-8666. Oh, Jessy the bartender and I have been trying to meet up all week. Tonight we have decided that we definitely need to hang out, come join us.

If you have your own stories please post them!

-Rob

- Came back to my hotel to find some of my roomies had cans of PBR chilling, with ice, in the bathroom sink. I don't drink so I found this pretty LOL-worthy, hey, if it worked, that rules!

- random dudes yelling "GENERIC INSIGHT RADIO!" at me as I crossed the Double Down parking lot past Five Star on Saturday night. It was some guys who follow me on Twitter, I found out later, and have never met them personally.

- actually, I had several people yell hey to me on a few occasions over the weekend and I had no idea who they were.

- I met Bill Murray while checking in to the airport to fly down to Florida last Thursday...... yes, I really did. It was insane/cool/surreal!

**WARNING: NAMEDROP, NO CARE, IT WAS FUNNY**

- So Hampton Inn, where I stayed, gave out free homemade cookies in the lobby. My roommates for the weekend (3/4 of us, the last one is vegan) indulged in these free cookies every time we saw them out, and usually grabbed a couple every time we went in and out of the hotel. On Friday early evening, we went swimming for a while at the hotel pool after registration, changed and then, grabbed some peanut butter cookies as we left the hotel for the shows. Walking down University Ave, as I'm eating one of said cookies, I see a friend I hadn't seen yet, he comes up and hugs me and in the process my cookie breaks in half and falls to the ground. Completely as a joke, I say to my friend "DAMMIT, NOW I DROPPED MY COOKIE!" kind of loudly, not realizing it. Also only half-realizing, at the very same time this occured, Polar Bear Club drove by in their van and was stopped at a light, probably looking for a place to park. Those dudes all know me, so I see them giggling at my yelling about my dropped cookie. I head down University to meet up with my friends at Leo's Pizza. My phone gives off a weird chime when I get an at-reply mention on Twitter... while waiting on line for pizza, I hear it and check Twitter on my phone. Sure enough, its Jimmy (PBC vocalist) from both his personal AND the PBC account tweeting at me: "I DROPPED MY COOKIE!" I started laughing so hard right there in Leo's.


- On Sunday at the No Idea sale, I decided to grab some of the BBQ food before getting on the line for a while to buy stuff. While sitting on the ground, eating my food (keep in mind I hadn't been on line yet, at all) I hear someone yell "BARRIE COHN (my name, obviously), THEY'RE JUST RECORDS! NOT WORTH IT!" and see my friend Ryan driving by in a car and cackling. He was obviously joking (hell, dude runs a label), but it was hilarious to me considering I was just sitting on the ground eating at that moment, not standing on line yet.


- This to me was a shitty situation I witnessed that redeemed itself by being handled by a good person. Waiting on line at the Atlantic on Saturday night, I watched 3 obviously very inebriated dudes stumble out of the venue. Band shirts, Fest wristbands, Festers. Drunk at Fest is nothing new. However, what was really fucked up is that these 3 guys then decided it would be funny, in their drunken stupor, to go pick up and knock over a city trash bin on the corner before running across the street laughing. Myself and the 3 people standing in front of me on line just shook our heads. General consensus between all of us: this kind of behavior is not only shameful to the fact that people LIVE in Gainesville, but that kind of disrespect could potentially ruin the possibilities of future Fests. So, the guy in front of me directly gets off line quickly, goes to the corner and picks up the trash bin as well as some trash around it. Myself and the other 2 people applaud him and pat him on the back when he gets back on line.
For the rest of the weekend I referred to this as "Bad Fester vs Good Fester".

Really people... don't do shit like that. Again, people LIVE in Gainesville, we're just visitors, and that could mean no Fests in the future. I definitely 100% back if you see someone doing something like that at Fest, do something about it, whether its talking to the person or cleaning up the mess. Whoever that guy was, good job brother.

^Quick add-on to that: as much as I'm idealistic in the fact that the average Fester just wants to make friends and have a good time, there ARE going to be bad apples and douchebags in the bunch too. Sad but true, and it always happens.

- I talked to a guy at the Holiday Inn party and he told me he couldn't sleep in his room that night because one of his roommates was so drunk and pooped all over the place

- We went to checkers on saturday after a warehouse show like at 3am, and the order took like 30 minutes it was funny because one of my buds was holding his pee for so long, there were some crusties just hanging around there, i started talking to them because i heard one of them talking in spanish, so i asked them where they were, one of them told me they were from Miami, and i asked them why did they know how to speak spanish, then he told me he was from Cuba i don't remember where the other guy was from, and the two girls were from Argentina, i asked them what bands were they gonna see, and the cuban guy told me they were trying to get in to shows for free, after we got the order, we headed back to the hotel, my buddy was still holding his pee so bad, i wanted to pee too but i wasn't peeing that bad, when we got to our floor my buddy ran immediately to the room's bathroom, that situation made me laugh so hard that i peed my pants a little bit (i don't believe in Karma but i think i deserved that), next day i went to 1982 and saw the same crusties we met last night trying to watch the bands trough the window, i laughed a little bit.

- Partied with some cool australians on the third floor, those guys were crazy

- I heard there was a car chase

Those are things i remember for now, most of the time i was a little bit drunk

To the OP: boy, you dirty.

Wow my Fest was tame. Next year I need to dirty it up obviously.

You forgot to include the part of this story where you cut in line in front of hundreds of people who had been standing there much longer than you had.

Sayin'.

I think my favorite "not all Festers are bad" story from the weekend actually took place at the No Idea sale, too, when some woman's car stalled and she was blocking traffic. All of the sudden, a few Festers from the line ran over to assist her and push her car into a nearby parking lot to the applause of the rest of us. See, Gainesville? We're not all trust-fund crusties who shit in pizza boxes and drag around malnourished dogs with no names!

What the fuck are you talking about? I joined my friends who were at towards the end of the line. I still waited 2 hours on it, and I left as soon as I got my stuff from the sale therefore allowing people to have less wait time. I didn't take up any time browsing.

Plus, its not like I was the only one who cut lines that so don't even try to single me out Heisel. I'm sure you had a special press pass that allowed you to wait on zero lines.

Also, HUNDREDS at the sale? Pssh. There had to be maybe like 50-60 people there when I got there, at most.

I'm not talking about waiting in line at shows, I'm talking about waiting in line at the No Idea sale. I got in line a shade before 10:30 a.m. and the line already wrapped past the No Idea sign out front. I stood in that line for nearly three hours before bouncing to go see Weatherbox at 1982 (thankfully, I made my friend who was queueing with me a shopping list and he got me almost everything I was looking for). By that time, I was just about at the giant palm tree—that's how slow the line was moving.

Barrie, you absolutely did cut in line, as I saw you walk up with an empty record mailer and start talking to a group of kids probably 20-30 people in front of us. You can call it "joining," but it is what it is—cutting the line. The fact that you "shopped quickly" or whatever didn't help anyone else see records faster.

And yes, there were hundreds of people in that line. Anyone at the No Idea sale would agree with that.

I really don't get your post, because first you deny doing what I said you did, then you kind of admit to it, then you flat-out admit to it and say "but it's not like I was the only one doing it!"

Check your PM's, I'm not even remotely in the mood to deal with this publically.

pretty sure Fest is over and done with and therefore, arguing over this is absolutely pointless and invalid.

Lolz. Boy drama.

stop fighting girls!

Getting back on topic:

I don't really have any "crazy" Fest stories from this year per se, but I think my favorite Fest moment all weekend was the march down the 2nd floor hall on Saturday night with everyone singing the "whoa" part of "Sink, Florida, Sink." That gave me all sorts of warm fuzzies.